You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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