My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
