Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
