she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
