Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
