Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
