3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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