actually, I'm a sock model
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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