Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
