I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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