Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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