I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Small penises have feelings too.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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