you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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