you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
