it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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