someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
