I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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