So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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