I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
