I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
