Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
