I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
