we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
