I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The ass gains better be worth it
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