It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
