I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
