Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
