so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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