Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Text me some of your sweat
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