I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
