there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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