apparently the secret to your success is patron
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
