2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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