you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
