Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
