So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
