and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
