Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
