So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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