I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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