dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
