He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
