if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
