Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
