i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
either way he was missing a nipple.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
