So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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