i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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