Yo dont text me then not text me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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