Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
