Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That accounts for only three of the penises
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
