Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
