woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
